And the plot thickens

Well it finally happened. I have had the most spirit- breaking kind of day ever. My ambition stepped right on my neck and ground it into the dirt, and here I sit on my back porch crying like a blubbering fool. My son has been doing so well with early intervention and trying to non verbally communicate, that I have been trying too much with my poor over stimulated little man. Today was the straw that broke the autism moms’ back. My family decided to go blueberry picking at Greig farms in Red Hook and I thought to myself, ” well Keegerbutt loves blueberries! Nothing could be better for him!” We were there about 5 minutes, and the meltdown started and lasted about an hour. All he wanted to do was run, he is a runner. But when the no danger awareness kicks in and we are speeding towards a moving BMW, I act accordingly and snatch him up. That only made him flail and scream. He was safe, but he was PISSED. So I try to get him to the car and he is fighting me all the way, just like yesterday and the day before. Tried to get him in his car seat the beautiful little curly haired boy reared his ugly head. I had to sit in the heat, in the car and let him play at the steering wheel. There was nothing I could do. So what did I do? Cry. I sat and cried because he didn’t deserve to be drug to do something he didn’t want to do. He didn’t deserve being put on display in a fit of rage, because all he wanted to do was run. I can only imagine what ran through his head. I know there will be time when I miss him being little, but now it’s getting to a point where his safety could be in trouble because he is a climber, a runner, a ” I will totally jump into that pool and sink to the bottom if you let me” kind of guy. I’m so scared I’m sick. Sick all the time. Feeling like a failure because I don’t think the “time outs” are helping, but making him rebel. And then when he does get reprimanded, he cries. Cries and runs with his arms out, and wraps me in a big hug and squeezes me tight, like he never meant to scratch me to the point of bleeding. I know he has a long way to go, but I’m not sure I want to make everything a lesson anymore. I just want to play. I want to love. And want to snuggle that beautiful boy and have tickle fights. I’m kinda over the REAL fights. I already am losing my 7 yr old daughter because my son has 98% of my attention, I don’t want to lose my son too. I guess today isn’t a good message to be sending, but it does have a moral: all moms, even the Autism Mom Exraordinaire, has their breaking points. And when it happens, be there to hug and love them. Because even the moms that advocate everyday, like me, for their special needs kids to be invited and welcome everywhere, even with meltdowns, it’s still hard being the mom that very well could be the cause of the meltdown, warranted or not. So be gentle with us autism moms. I would never change my son, I love him just the way he is without a doubt, but it still is challenging sometimes, and it’s a long road ahead ♡

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Keegerbutt signing for “more” blueberries, the ones we BOUGHT at the exit 🙂

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