What feels like the beginning of the end…

Do you ever wonder what great parenting looks like? I don’t have to wonder, My parents were and still are the best parents anyone could ever have. They were perfect, but they were perfect for me. Yea my dad didn’t make it to all the softball games, and never let me put my name on the car show tag so I could get the trophy. And my mom on occasion yelled at me it was too early on Christmas morning and I needed to go back to bed. But they loved me and protected me and still do. I truly cherish them for that. I right now, feel like a failing parent. I’m doing it by myself, which is difficult. I’m raising not 1, but 2 children by myself which makes it worse. The icing on the cake is my beautiful daughter gets pushed to the side alot, because my beautiful son is autistic and needs a lot of my attention.
        I’m not proud of some of the yelling I do, it doesn’t happen alot but on occasion I cannot dent it. I’m not proud of my morning certainly since me and my humans were on the verge of a meltdown catastrophe.  My daughter I try so hard to give her One on one time, but it is sacked up mostly by her common core ridiculous homework. Do these business people realize they are ruining our kids??? So when it’s time to spend time as a family, Keegan gets most of the attention because if he didnt, his sensory processing misfires will have him standing on the entertainment center, or the kitchen table, or trying to run down the stairs and possibly break his neck. I’m sure a lot of my daughter’s anger towards me is because of this, but being the one who cares for her day in and day out, it hurts horribly when she tells me she hates me and wants to move away and live with another family. 6 year Olds do not understand how much pain that in ficus and most cases the mom gets upset and dad steps in to help heal the pain and explain to the 6 yr old why mommy cannot always be there. So what do parents like me do? Well I don’t know what others do, but this morning I completely lost it. I have been crying for hours, I can’t stop it sometimes. My daughter is crying because I was crying. I do so much for my humans that sometimes I have to go without showering for days. Embarrassing yes, but my kids come first. And my daughter doesn’t want to live with me anymore because her tablet needed to charge. HER TABLET NEEDED TO CHARGE. THATS IT. I can’t shrink myself into a 6 yr old brain but I wish I could. I want to understand why, and I want to know how to explain why this is silly and shouldn’t be such a big deal to her. But I just cant, we all know it. So now how to I train my brain to think differently? To be calm and non wackidoo so that these moments take up less of my life and my humans lives? I feel I have come to a fork in the road and if I take the path I have been, it will continue like this forever. But creating a new path, more understanding, maybe I can one day be the person my daughter looks up to, just I do with my amazing parents. To be continued….


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